Books
Decoding manspeak
12.06.08 Alice O'Keeffe
Canadian-born Dr Linda Papadopoulos occupies a unique position in the public consciousness, being both a regular on daytime TV sofas (“This Morning”, “Richard & Judy” and “GMTV”) and a respected academic who also finds time to practise as a counselling psychologist. With such a profile comes contact from the public, whose letters partly inspired What Men Say, What Women Hear (Century, September, £11.99 tpb). “I get a lot of letters asking: ‘What did he mean by this?’,” Papadopoulos says. “Or: ‘My friends say that I should do this, because he did that’.”
Billed as “the definitive guide to deciphering manspeak”, What Men Say, What Women Hear covers the lifespan of a relationship from first date to happily ever after (with handy chapters on separation and divorce should things not work out), examining common communication pitfalls and how to avoid them.
Unlike certain other self-help bestsellers, Papadopoulos’ suggestions are backed up with research. “As an academic, you’re always a nerd,” she laughs. “So you’re always asking: ‘Is that true? Let’s look at the research and see if that’s really the case.’” She acknowledges the balancing act of blending academic research (“I don’t think anyone wants a course on gender studies”) with a hands-on approach: “I wanted readers to have something practical to take away.”
The book uses the principles of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): “The basic premise of CBT is that first you think about a situation and then you have an emotional reaction to it. Basically, your emotional reactions aren’t based on the event itself but rather on your perception of that event. And that perception has been based on the schemas that you hold about the world.” So CBT enables you to become more aware of your own thought processes and perceptions, and analyse them to make communication easier.
She comments: “It can be something as simple as saying ‘Is that what you mean? When you say this, this is what I hear’. It sounds so basic but it really works well.”
Papadopoulos took her first psychology degree in Canada before coming to the UK to further her studies. The call from the “Big Brother” producers came when she was a reader in psychology at London Guildhall University: “When the series took off, I had a lot of people saying: ‘You can’t do that—people won’t take you seriously.’” She paid no attention. “I’m really proud to have been involved in [“Big Brother”] because I think it was an important moment in the history of television. It was as close as reality TV got to a social experiment. I think every series after that has been, at best, a very different social experiment based more on personalities that are attracted to this type of exposure.” And is she still a fan? “I think now it has gone too far. It’s becoming weird for the sake of it. I think human behaviour is weird anyway—we’re naturally really strange beings.”
She hopes that the book will help couples achieve “a healthier, better relationship”. But surely the readership will be exclusively female? She laughs: “I think it’s the kind of book that if you had on your dresser, you’d catch your boyfriend reading it to see what women think about what men think.”
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